We’ve laughed for years that one of our meteorologists loves to say ‘Polar Vortex’. He’s used it to the point where no one really knew what it was any more. Now, we really have one. Our area is setting 2 records for lowest temps- one today & one tomorrow. Of course, then on Tuesday, it’s supposed to be 55. What?! Yeah….
My fur babies have their cozy sweaters on. My sinuses are killing me. Schools are closed for the next 2 days. The world- from my kitchen window, anyway- is silent. They even said it was too cold to snow. However, it is, in fact, snowing here. Everyone is stiff, sore, and cranky- at least those I encountered last evening. The only thing not silent is my mind.
February 1st, my son will be 22. I won’t be able to give him a birthday hug or even call him. He was cut me out of his life completely. I haven’t heard from him in over 6 months. I was keeping tabs on him through Facebook. His girlfriend had never unfriended me. When he found out, he blocked me. I sent word repeatedly through various friends of his that I love him and miss him. His replies aren’t fit to type.
So, yesterday, my mom went to his girlfriend’s Facebook page and there, she discovered the relationship status changed from in a relationship to engaged. Now, the last time I’d spoken to him, he’d mentioned the ‘M’ word. He said they were ‘discussing’ it. I guess now they decided.
I still, in all honesty, am not sure exactly why he cut me out of his life. He was using cocaine. I know that. He admitted it. I told him how much potential he has and that he didn’t need drugs in his life, reminding him that his older brother is a heroin addict. I told him I was afraid he’d die. Basically, I did a lot of nagging. But, there isn’t one thing I can put my finger on that was SO bad that he wouldn’t want to talk to me. That makes it worse.
At least if I knew what I’d done, I could get closure? I guess. I just go over and over the conversation and can’t pin point what it was. For now, it’s something I must live with. So, as the world around me is cold and frozen, I feel the same way in a part of my heart. The part where my baby boy is missing. When the weather finally thaws, I hope his heart will too.