For most of my life, Christmas was always a joyous time. I loved everything about it. But, in 2011, at 3:52 Christmas morning, my dad passed over into eternity. He’d suffered for so long that I took it as an honor that Christ had called him home on Christmas morning. But, when the grief set in, I realized that Christmas would never be the same.
Of course, the first year was the worst. But, here we are in year 7, and it hasn’t changed that crappy, depressed feeling. Sometimes, I miss him so much that it actually hurts. There were some rough patches between us as father & daughter, but, I got to be exceptionally close to him during his final 5 years. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much. We were making real progress in transparency and I wanted him to see my kids graduate.
Every year I try. I really do. Last night, I decided I was going to decorate today. Period. But, when I woke up today, I discovered that whatever I had felt last night was fleeting. I don’t want to hang things up. We haven’t even purchased a tree yet. When the boys were little, Christmas was fun. Now, our youngest will be 16 on Friday. Our oldest & middle are living their own lives and we don’t hear from them often. It’s unlikely either will make a Christmas appearance.
Now, mom is having extra health woes (besides her Parkinson’s). We’re all facing her mortality. My aunt, who has become more than an aunt, is in her late sixties and trying to pretend she is still 30. We all know that doesn’t work. Only 2 years younger than mom, she maintains 2 part-time jobs and an active social calendar. They barely decorated except for a small tree. Our youngest can’t be persuaded to be excited. He feels that since we NEVER have company, what’s the point? He doesn’t even care about a tree.
We’re still battling a losing battle to keep our home habitable. Roof issues and erosion are our biggest enemy right now. Continuous November rain left its mark. I had hoped to be in a new home by now. It was apparently not God’s plan. Apparently, He is saying, ‘Wait’. I will. But, honestly, what choice do I have?
Eventually, we’ll decorate. I can’t believe I haven’t yet. But, we will. I ask the Lord daily to change my attitude. I don’t want to be depressed. I want to be jolly. I know the Lord understands and will see me through. But, real talk, I just want it to be January.