My Rut

This February has been beyond challenging. Point blank: I am stuck in a rut. I think that’s the best way to state it.
Recently, I launched into a 3 day long crying episode. I couldn’t stop. Nothing consoled me. I even scared the dog. I’ve tried in vain to pin point exactly what started it & why it abruptly ended. I can say, I don’t remember praying as much or as fervently as I did those 3 days.
We have been through some pretty extraordinary circumstances in our lives. Almost 18 years of marriage has not been easy economically, mentally, or physically for either one of us. But, honestly, things are pretty good.
I suppose that’s why this whole thing floored me. I have nothing to fret over currently. Both are older sons, no longer at home, are struggling as most newly independent kids do. However, they are safe & sound, employed, & alive. Our youngest is maintain good grades, is healthy, & a joy. But, I couldn’t shake the feeling of foreboding.
Everywhere I went, I felt something awful was going to happen every minute. I thought my mom was going to die. I though I was failing at everything. I had zero ability to cope with life. The crying got so out of control that our youngest begged me to stop, promised to help anyway he could, if I’d just stop crying. I had enough.
So, 2 Fridays ago, I called my doctor. This in and of itself wasn’t easy. Despite the fact that she wasn’t seeing patients that day, she told the staff to bring me in ASAP. I’ve been her patient for 13 years. She knows me better than my family does. Her first words to me were simply, ‘I don’t have a magic pill for this’. I appreciated her honesty. I told her the absolute truth about how I felt. We agree that more pills weren’t the answer. I am already on anti-anxiety meds & have a prescription for tranquilizers that I’ve never used.
What made the difference wasn’t available in a pill anyway. The fact that she didn’t say anything to make me feel responsible was beyond helpful. I talked to her for over an hour. I went home determined to conquer.
My youngest & I took Communion before we started the next school day. I picked individual sermons from Joseph Prince to listen to & forced myself to continue my exercise program. I made myself go outside with the dog. I refused to give up. My favorite past times of reading & entering sweeps were reintegrated into my life. I prayed even more. I listened to my mom’s well-meaning advice (she believes it to be menopause). I let myself lean on my husband. But, the biggest difference of all was that I came to some conclusions, mentally.
I re-evaluated many things. First, I realized that I wasn’t fully relying on My Savior. I repented of this & am taking mega steps to fix it. Second, we decided that we were NOT making our marriage any type of priority. We are re-instituting date night, watching shows together, & talking more. Family time in general has been made a bigger priority. Family Game Night is back. In fact, we’ve playing games together every night since the doctor visit. We took our son to his first semi-formal & despite my social anxieties, engaged in a fun time with another couple we’d never met.
I would not have pulled out of this rut had it not been for Jesus. He is my Rock. His word comforts & guides me. I know he guided me to speak to my doctor. If you are in a rut or whatever it should be called, don’t wait. Call your medical provider. They may surprise you. But, above all else, pray without ceasing.


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